A True Story of Courage
over Michael Phelps’s million gold medals is how sad everyone’s going to be when they take all his medals away because it comes out that he’s been shooting horse semen straight into his eyeballs, or whatever, because dude. Seriously.
Mostly I just want the jerks who have been insisting we watch the OLYMPICS OMG every fucking night at work instead of not watching the Olympics like I want to be real sad, because fuck them.
Here are some olde-tymey tips on how to recover from today’s miscellaneous maladies. These are all safe, effective, and very normal things that will instantly cure you of your ailment. I highly recommend that you try these all yourself, and also I am totes a medical professional. (Plz. don’t sue us.)
* Make a salve from lard and kerosene and put it on your actual person to treat any cold or flu symptoms. Lard. Kerosene. Your actual person.
* To treat baby hiccups, take a red thread (must only be red) and put it in your mouth. Get it all spitty, then put it on the baby’s head. Then call CPS and report yourself for incredibly poor parenting, okay?
* Ulcers got you blue? Eat at least 3 bananas a day. Go on, I dare you.
* Got the ole mouth-herpes? Rub that bastard with a gold ring a bunch of times. I bet that feels good, doesn’t it?
* To cure insomnia, chop up a yellow onion, and put it in a jar. Keep this stupid jar on your bedside table. Open it up and smell the disgusting yellow onion, and you will fall right into a coma. A coma where you constantly smell yellow onion.
* Asthma is a bitch. Treat it by swallowing balled-up spider webs. There. Now you’re healed.
* Finally, not using idiot home remedies (or homeopathic, holistic, chiropractic, or witch doctor “medicine”) is one good way to feel better and not be such a goddamned ‘tardo. Go to bed for a while and drink some juice and take some Nyquil.
Att: People of major metropolitan areas, re. stop being an idiot.
When it’s raining, and you’re leaving the subway via the stairs, please please please for the love of kittens and babies and all things good in this world: carry your umbrella vertically. Not at a 45 degree angle, not at a 15 degree angle, not at any angle. Know why? Because the faces of people behind you on the stairs DON’T WANT TO GET JABBED.
Please note my handy guide, easily printed out into a card which you can then laminate and consult so as to stop being an idiot.
