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Rather, I feel like I should be able to sue my public school system for allowing my slackass to graduate despite never taking physics, chemistry, or geometry.

I should be able to sue for $300+ million, to be vaguely precise. You know, the prize money the inventor of John McCain’s magic electric car battery will win. And clearly, had I taken high school level physics, chemistry and geometry, I would be that inventor. Because, you see, I am really good at inventing stuff, except for the part where I don’t know what the fuck I am talking about at any given point. (Plus all my ideas center around magnets, which are far less powerful than your space pen that balances on its point may have led you to believe.)

(Also, this is really interesting. GM is rehiring EV-1 people to work on the Volt, the battery-driven “hybrid” car. If you haven’t seen Who Killed The Electric Car, you really, really should. It’s important. Though Atlantic Monthly is a fucking liar in this piece: “GM’s EV1, an all-electric technological masterpiece that had done so poorly commercially that GM wound up crushing the cars amid a hail of public condemnation.” That line is a goddamned fucking lie. GM crushed the car from concept on, and purposefully failed it commercially, and literally crushed the cars despite laundry lists of people who would pay through the nose for one of those beautiful space-cars. This doesn’t mean I’m not excited on a few levels for the Volt.)

That hormonal birth control isn’t available over-the-counter is beyond insane and infuriating.

I need permission from a third party before I can have sex without having a baby.

That, my friends, is so very many levels of fucked up.

Travis got way more worked up about this than I did, because he is a man, thus doesn’t spend 88% of his day wondering how he might legally acquire a tapeworm. I was all, “Yeah? Fat girls need fat cream. *I* need fat cream! I need to rub cream on my fat!!!”

Then I calmed down and ate a whole thing of Haagen Dazs Reserve (motto: “When Super-Premium Just Isn’t Enough”) Toasted Coconut Seasame Brittle ice cream, which is the very best kind of fat cream.

(Insert here a rant about how even the thinnest woman can have cellulite, how we’re all offended at the massive marketing misogyny, how we should start a revolution and love our bodies, etc etc etc. I really don’t care anymore, because I’m thinking about ice cream now, and how it’s my birthday week, so I can eat all the cupcakes and ice cream I want. And also how I might buy Cooking Mama 2.)

100%.

Makeup gives you cancer, shampoo causes infertility, and lotion makes your baby’s brain stupid(er). Also your baby’s toys and bottle (really? You’re bottle-feeding? Okay, it’s your money you’re throwing away.) will poison the fuck out of it.

This is pretty fucked up, especially because EU countries have outlawed cosmetics and personal care products that contain phthalates. You can tell how bad phthalates are for you by how weird the word itself is spelled.

Cool, huh?

So, Nike owns Converse. Converse sneakers are made in sweatshops. Plus they fall apart real quick. Like, in less than a month the inside part where my heel goes disintegrates.

Instead, wear No Sweat sneakers, like I do. They’re not made in sweatshops (they’re made in a unionized Indonesian factory where the workers have like, health insurance and pensions and paid maternity leave and shit I don’t even get despite also not working in a sweatshop), and they’re eco-friendly or whatever, and vegetarian, which is super gay, but also nice to cows, I guess. I got mine at Moo Shoes, which is a vegan shoestore. Lots of vegan shoes are also fair trade/ sweatshop-free shoes, so if you really want ethical footwear, you might want to ask around your local loony bin place where vegans are.

Best part, though? They’re *cheaper* than Chucks. Really. I know, it’s nuts.

No Sweats. They totally say “NO SWEAT” on the back, instead of “ALL STAR”, which is awesome, because I like to be as openly and loudly self-righteous as possible at all times, which is totally why I’m going to like, get a tattoo of Lenin hugging an unvaccinated humpback whale while driving an electric car and eating grass-fed organic beef.) $40 plus S&H:

Chucks (good fucking luck finding a pair of just plain solid black canvas sneakers, btw. Everything they make have to have flaps and whistles and extra tongues and lights and deer whistles and bottle-openers.) $41.00 at Converse.com, plus S&H:

Or you could be kind of a douche and spend $90 on a pair of Blackspots, which is nuts, IMO. Also they sort of look like a little child designed them. And the toes are real wide, like clown-shoes. (I’m still totes gonna buy a pair, though.)

Seriously, though, if you wear Chucks, you should stop and wear No Sweats instead. They also come in high tops, and sometimes in other colors, and they also have t-shirts and sweatshirts and all sorts of things that are made by people who aren’t essentially slaves.