Unrelated Content

I’m the master, and you’re the puppet! 

The funny thing about late 80’s/early 90’s horror (this one was produced straight-to-video in 1989) is the weird fascination with psychic phenomena.  I mean, we still have that to some degree with modern “horror” films and their focus on boring plots about ghosts and people speaking from beyond, but back in the day it seemed like every scary movie had psychics whether they were really germane to the plot or not.  (See: Friday the 13th Part 7, other examples I can’t be bothered to come up with right now.)

I bring this up because I’d say the first third of Puppet Master doesn’t focus on the topic at hand (puppets with goofy powers killing people in creative ways), but instead we get to see 80’s people pretending to read minds and shit.  I think this, coupled with Charles Band being unusually shy about gore for what is basically the last Empire Pictures release drags this one down from being a “must-see” to a “see it if you have Netflix Instant and have already watched Trancers.”

The good:

• The stop-motion and camera technique used for the puppets is fucking awesome, and yet another reminder of how CGI has ruined horror movies forever and ever
• the character designs on the puppets really take the premise to the next level…hadn’t watched this in years and when the Leech Woman activates her power I was genuinely surprised.  Well, not surprised.  Definitely said “what” out loud though.
• the schlubby main character looks exactly like a “psychic researcher” should (dumpy, mullet)
• hot women, especially for 1989 and the budget this thing likely had (whatever Charles Band could get from a second mortgage on his house)
• the makeup effects ruled, especially the after effects of the first “Tunneler” victim

The bad:

• the pacing is a bit slow and for a movie about puppets totally killing people there’s only 5 victims, one of whom is killed by being hit on the head with a fireplace poker (bo-ring)
• the aforementioned “psychic” subplot which is only central to the plot because the writer couldn’t think of any other reason for 4 people to go to an abandoned hotel full of evil murder puppets
• the ending is fun, but the motivations of the puppets (you read that right) toward the end aren’t really clear (in contrast to their clear agenda of “scurry around and kill people” earlier in the picture)
• there were definitely some recycled “puppet cam” shots which I can forgive because it’s probably annoying to shoot everything at ankle level like that

Not good or bad, but hey:

• that’s Uncle Lewis as the French Puppet Master (sans french accent)
• this is the first Full Moon pictures movie (they later slapped the label on stuff like Trancers)

Overall Puppet Master is way above-average for the time period and straight-to-video status.  4/5 stars, if nothing else for the fact that the movie didn’t insult my intelligence by having the puppets open closed doors without using the doorknob.  Also, there were tits.

The most fappable 90’s comedy of them all

So I’ve decided to ignore Netflix’s shitty user review system (fuck you, EVERYTHING I write is useful) and go ahead and review some of the 1,050 (and counting) movies I’ve rated/viewed on Netflix.

I watched this one today, and firstly let me declare that you will not find another comedy with more unintentional fanservice than this one- and I ain’t complaining.  From long listing shots of Mira Sorvino bending over to a 5-10 minute sequence of Lisa Kudrow in just a bra, this movie was apparently directed by me at age 18.  Which is how old I was when this came out, and I ignored it until today.  I miss out on everything.

Boobs aside, this is a pretty funny movie.  The dialogue is clever and despite being one of those movies about a pair of oblivious/dumb people, it executes the premise without beating you over the head with it.

The good:

• Lisa Kudrow is awesome at playing a snippy dullard (see: “the Comeback”- and not just for Malin Ackerman nudity), and she really shines in this role.  Also, the scene with the bra.
• Janeane Garafolo at the height of her powers, playing sarcastic and neurotic.  Also before she got all that weird plastic surgery that makes her look like a character from Mass Effect.
• Good 80’s soundtrack
• Happy ending that isn’t completely insulting to my intelligence. Only slightly.  I’ll take it.

The bad:

• what’s the deal with Mira Sorvino’s accent?  I’ve heard her speak, she’s from this country.  So why did she sound like she was masking a British or Irish accent in this?  I dunno.
• the dream sequence twist is really clever but a little too long- once you figure it out you’re kind of left waiting for the punchline
• shitty title sequence made me afraid I was watching a sequel to “Clueless”, but that might just be a product of having been made in 1997

Overall this one is a strong 4/5, falling short of the full five because a few sequences dragged and of course, I hate happy endings.  In movies, not in massages.  Not that I can afford those.  Yet.

can’t post that in a tweet!  surely, when you lack the ability to express yourself in words, there’s really nothing better than a shitty personal blog that nobody even reads

well, I mean, besides like, 4chan

I’m not even that pale anymore.  Life either begins or ends at 30, can’t decide which.

autism as a fad

lengthy hiatuses

waking up early on a Saturday

those big red bars in televised movie trailers that say when the movie is coming out

pointless format changes